Tired of being me

There are times when I just get tired of being me. Tired of being the way that I am. With the way that I think and feel. It just gets to be too much. Sometimes. I guess this is one of those “sometimes”.

Actually, we can enter “hate” territory now. I hate knowing that I have caused someone-I-used-to-care-for to turn into a hateful person. And there's no doubting that. Either that there's hate in this person's heart. Or that it was my doing.

What's worse is that I feel this. I can actually understand what is going on. I get it. But that doesn't mean that I will make it “right”. Unlike how I have been exhorted to, by countless many. They say it's easy; just make a conscious decision to change your mind, and you will. You just have to want it.

And that's the crux of the matter, isn't it? You have to want it. So what happens if you don't?

This part I get too. I have been branded heartless. Selfish. Short-sighted. Any number of names, none of which are quite what one would consider encouraging. Now, apparently, I'm also defying God. Eternal damnation awaits me, because I'm not afraid enough.

Oh, to be ignorant! Woe is me, to have a mind that ponders these things, instead of just sweeping it all under the proverbial rug.

Can't I truly be heartless? Wouldn't it be easier not to care?

Why must this hurt me?

And last, why am I even sharing this? It's not like I'm going to win converts to my “cause”. Am I seeking understanding? Sympathy?

I'm not sure. I just have this need to share. Because, maybe... maybe someday this will be necessary. Maybe someday this will be worth something.

For now, maybe it's time to scream.